Mother nature here, you know, the gal who’s running this whole show. I just thought I would drop you a line and get a few things off my chest.
Don’t worry, this isn’t about how you’re filling the seas with garbage or anything. No, this letter is just to clear up some confusion you humans have towards this whole fitness deal because, quite frankly, you folks aren’t exactly doing a great job with it. So I thought I would just set the record strait about a few things.
First off, what’s the deal with blaming me for how your body is behaving in your modern world? I’ve painstakingly spent eons developing and evolving every cell in your body to adapt and perform to give you the best shot at keeping you happy and healthy. Don’t blame me because you think my millennial of hard work and evolution set you up to wolf down an entire large pizza and six pack of beer. Those cravings and desires are all your doing, not mine. Sure I built a super effective system for you to store body fat, but I also designed that same system for you to use and burn off that fat as well. Maybe you would figure that out if you averaged more than 1.25 hours of exercise a week in your “active lifestyle.” Your genetics are built to make you lean, strong and healthy. If you’re not any of those things it’s your fault, not mine.
Second, I’m getting sick and tired of you people thinking you know better than me in the food department. I’ve spent countless centuries stocking this planet with a supply of delicious and healthy treats for you to feast on. However, for some reason, some science geek in a lab coat thinks he can create a better food in a test tube over the weekend, slap a label on it and then sell it by the bottle. If that’s not bad enough those same people have the balls to even promise you better results than I can give you. PUUUUUULLLLEASE! If I could have created something better for you than a salmon filet or a hand full of fresh blueberries I would have done it by now. But oooohhhhh nooooo, you should trust the folks who say don’t eat the fruit because it has fructose in it, but you should buy their “natural” energy bars for $4.95 each.
Now let’s talk exercise and training. The biggest thing to know is that most of you are working your tail off for results I don’t give a flying crap about. You say you want to lose weight or get six pack abs, but honey, I just don’t care. Do all the programs and exercises you want, but I never designed any aspect of your DNA in collaboration with you looking good naked. All of the latest diet and exercise trends were created long after I set the physiological ability to change so I’m sorry, but there is just no exercise you can do that convinces me you need six pack abs.
When you first hit the scene I had my hands full with just keeping you alive long enough to get laid and spread your genetic code before you became food for something else I had cooked up in my workshop. A muffin top or a peak in your biceps wasn’t even on my radar all those years as you fought and struggled to stay alive and procreate. Your ability to function has always been my #1 priority for you. Actually, it’s my only priority. When you’re doing your core routine or using that weight machine your human mind might think “build, tone, sculpt, and shape” but all I hear is “be able to do this.” Who knows, if you work that ab blaster for another million years or so, things might change.
You humans also have a pretty messed up way to use diet and exercise. Somehow you’ve be able to turn all of these wonderful things that I designed in your body and manged to turn them into your own personal torture chamber. I gave you all sorts of senses and feel-good chemicals that are specially designed to give you rewards when you’re treating yourself well. You’re supposed to be happy. You’re supposed to have fun. You’re supposed to enjoy your body and the wonderful things it can do. You’re also supposed to enjoy food and feeding yourself, but for some reason even I can’t fathom, you’ve turned it all into this perverted “no pain no gain” mess where you just love to strut among yourselves in a ego driven contest to see who can endure the most hardship in the name of “fitness.”. Let me make this clear and simple; if you’re diet and exercise habits are not enjoyable and enriching your life then you’re royally fucking up! Screw whatever rules you read in a book or on the internet. I sure as hell didn’t make 99% of them up. Once again it’s all you. If you’re struggling and unhappy you’re going in the wrong direction and it sure as hell isn’t the path I intended for you.
Also keep in mind that It’s not like you can just skip putting cream in your coffee and do the occasional Yoga class and I’m going to jump right up and give you a complete head to toe physical over haul. You’re damn lucky I gave you the ability to adapt and change at all, but you ungrateful brats just complain that you’re not losing weight or building muscle fast enough with the small minute changes you make once in a while.
I’ve got news for ya bucko, all of those stories about massive and quick changes happening with the greatest of ease are like most other things that you don’t see much in the natural world. They are something you folks made up all by yourselves, I had no hand in it. Believe me, if someone does go through a massive change quickly and easily you can bet it’s more man made than something of my doing. I designed your body to change quickly, easily and in big ways. The only thing is you can only have two of those benefits at once. The more you get of two of those, the less you can have of the other. Sorry if that doesn’t fit into your plans for getting ready for your cruise in 6 weeks, but I can’t alter the laws of the universe just so you’re not self conscious in a bathing suit this summer.
And that’s another thing, why do you dislike your body so much?! I spent more than a few millennium creating and refining your physique and all you can do is bitch about some body fat or the fact that you have a scar some place. Let me tell ya, I invented scars long before you people came around with your ink and needles and started making your own. Or as you like to call them “tattoos.” Say what you will, but scars are just tattoos but they almost always have much better stories behind them. You know I’m right. Don’t blame me if you’re unhappy with your body. I put every advantage I could in your hands. If you’re not happy with it, then that’s your own damn fault. Maybe if you treated yourself better those feel-good life-is-great chemicals I put into your brain would kick in and you would see you body in a more positive light.
So with all of that said, know that I do want you to be happy and healthy. It breaks my heart to see you struggle so much and be unhappy about your body. It really is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever created and I want you to love and appreciate it for the miracle it is. It’s designed to be healthy and thrive all on it’s own. Most of the benefits you’re seeking will happen on auto pilot. You just have to stop getting in the way. Step aside, trust me and the signals I’m sending through every cell in your body 24/7. If you’re hungry eat. If you’re tired sleep. And if you feel something is wrong don’t try to be all tough and endure it as a “fact of life.” I created the facts of life so I know what I’m talking about. It wasn’t too long ago you thought the world was flat. There’s still a lot more for you to learn and I’m more than happy to teach it if you would just unplug for 10 minutes and listen to me.
Okay I’ve said my peace. Stop fighting yourselves, stop blaming me, have fun, and treat yourselves well. It’s a beautiful world, now go out there and enjoy it.